2chan Says the Darndest Things Vol. 1

Hello folks, I wanted to start this series of articles after reading some 2chan posts put together by akb48matome.com. This website takes the most relative to the topic, most controversial, and downright hilarious posts on 2chan about AKS groups. I read a couple of posts off from the site and they seem to get a couple of good laughs and Dae suggested I translate them and make a post on the site so here we go!

The topic 2chan was discussing was, “Things That Happen to Secret AKB Fans”

A superior talking to his employee who is an AKB fan

Superior: I see that there’s a bunch of AKB groups starting to form but I don’t know a single person.

Fan: I don’t know anything about them either. Maeda or something like that was in a drama that I caught a little bit of but I don’t know anything about them lol. (I’m sorry Haa-chan…)


A fan and his little sister watching Waratte Iitomo

Sister: What’s DiVA? Who are they?

Fan: It looks like a sub-unit. They probably grouped unpopular members together. I don’t know anything about them. (I’m sorry, Ume-chan…)


A fan talking to a woman:

Woman: Who do you like in AKB?

Fan: I think I like Minegishi.

Woman: What!? You’re crazy!

Fan: I know, right? I actually like Kojiharu. (Mii-chan, I’m sorry…)


“I pretend not to know anyone starting around Akicha’s election ranking”


A fan talking to his senpai

Senpai: What do you think of AKB?

Fan: I don’t know too much about them. Do you have a favorite member, senpai?

Senpai: Hmm, probably Kashiwagi.

Fan: Yeah, she’s cute.

Senpai: Do you have a favorite member?

Fan: I like Kashiwagi too(I’m sorry Ume-chan).

Senpai: Right!? Everyone else is ugly.


Another fan talking to his senpai

Senpai: I heard AKB has 48 people in it.

Fan: Really? I think I read something about that in a maginze(I can name over 200 members, gotta a problem with that!?)

Senpai: The only famous ones are only Maeda and Tomochin.

Fan: You’re right…(JURI-TAAAAAAAAN!)


“I pretend to be a Shinoda fan(Suu-chan… I love you)”


“I get excited when I type, “Oshima” or “Takahashi” on my work computer.”


“Recently, a person named Mukaida got transferred to my job. When I type a work e-mail to Mukaida-san, I fight the urge to type, “NNNNNNNNNNNNN”, everyday.”


 “I recently started to call people named, “Sawada”, “Shawada”.”


“I show up late to work on CD release days.”


“I take the day off on the day of the elections.”


“When someone sings AKB songs at karaoke, I chant a mix in my head.”


A fan talking to a co-worker

Co-worker: Do you have a favorite girl in AKB?

Fan: Hmm, I think that Kojima Haruna is cute but I don’t know anything else about them.

Co-worker: Seriously!? What about Maeda, Shinoda, or Oshima?

Fan: Oh, I’ve heard of them(I fail as a DiVA fan. I apologize, Sayaka, Ume-chan, Sae, Yuka(´ーωー`)


A fan talking to a friend

Friend: Do you have a favorite girl in AKB?

Fan: You probably don’t know her.

Friend: Tell me.

Fan: Nonaka Misato.

Friend: Who? LOL



A fan working part-time at a book store

Manager: There are way too many AKB posters. I don’t know who is who.

Fan: I definitely understand(I can name everyone. I’m sorry).

Manager: So, these fans buy a ton of CDs to shake their hand, right? It must be tough.

Fan: I wonder if they don’t have anything else they could spend their money on(I’m sorry, I’m one of them)

Manager: Let me know if you can’t tell who is who on the poster. I’ll help you look for them.

Fan: Yeah….(Not that I don’t know them…)


Random Encounter

Random person: That Oshima is cute.

Fan: Which one?


Random Encounter 2

Random person: AKB? I like that Matsui girl.

Fan: Which one~!


“My wife thinks I’m cheating on her. I have a separate fund I’ve been saving since my single days(Wota fund). I sometimes go out on Sundays in a fabulous mood(hand shaking event). I sometimes come home in a good mood and refreshed(After theater shows, I go to public baths). I own a secret iPod(If I put full songs on my phone, I won’t be able to show her). I guess I can’t help that my wife doubts me.”


A fan and a friend

Friend: Do you like AKB?

Fan: I like SKE.


A fan and a friend 2

Friend: I like Maeda-san!

Fan: Atsuko? Aamin?

Friend: Huh?

Fan: (I forgot that regular people only know only one Maeda)


“I gave my co-worker an old DVD player that I don’t use anymore. He returns a DVD that was inside the DVD player. It was KII’s “Te wo Tsunaginagara” theater show. That feeling of despair…”


 A fan talking to a friend who is into gravure idols

Friend: It’s so annoying to see AKB all over all of these magazines.

Fan: Yeah!(take a closer look, they are cute girls!)

Friend: Young gravure idols can’t develop because of them!

Fan: Yeah, it’s going overboard(I’m sorry, Kuramochi, Kizaki, Milky)

Friend: I hope they become unpopular soon.

Fan: I think it’ll end soon(Akimoto-sensei, I support you 100%, please keep doing what you’re doing lol)


Previous fan talking to his girlfriend while the radio plays AKB

Girlfriend: I heard AKB sells a lot of CDs because one person buys a lot.

Fan: Oh, I didn’t know!(you’re sitting next to someone who buys 50 copies)

Girlfriend: They appear on too many music shows and I can’t see other artists.

Fan: I want to see other artists too(I record all AKB related TV programming lol)

“I delete all 48 group songs off of my iPod the day before I go on a date. I don’t own posters or photos so I don’t have to hide it. When my girlfriend comes over to my house, I hide DVDs and CDs in the back of my closet.”


That’s the first edition of “2chan Says the Darndest Things”. Let me know how you guys like it. Depending on the reception, I can start working on the second edition. Thanks for reading!








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