2chan Says the Darndest Things Vol. 18

Volume 18 of “2chan Says the Darndest Things”!

Merits and Demerits of Being A DD

You are happy when something good happens to anyone. You are sad whenever someone graduates.

You can enjoy pretty much all of the AKB related TV shows. You feel good with whoever gets a close-up shot during concerts and performances. The hand shake events are fun.

Because there’s so much fun to be had, it becomes expensive. I bought Sakiko’s album, Sashihara’s single and saw Masuda on stage.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not but when I watch election footage, my tears and runny nose do not stop and I lay around with no emotions afterwards.

You feel good when someone makes senbatsu. You feel bad when someone falls out of senbatsu.

If you are a DD, you don’t know what real joy is. You don’t know what real sadness is either.

A demerit would be trying to decide which lane to lineup during hand shake events. I might be a cheater in the future because of my DDness.

Be a DD, if you have just one oshi and they quit, the sadness is incredible.

DDs are pretty much people who aren’t honest with themselves.

DDs just can’t pick one girl.

If AKB Members Were Santa Claus

Every time you open a present, the members yell, “Yay!”

When you wake up, the stocking is totally wet from lemons.

There’s a Santa with their beard on fire.

Santa gives you a rock.

The stockings are changed to Kawaei’s smelly socks.

Miyazaki gives the kids presents but then goes in the fridge to take their food.

The Worries of A Wota With A Wife and Kids

My wife hasn’t found out but she’s starting to questions me. She’s super anti-AKB.

My girlfriend found out that I was going to Tokyo Dome. I convinced her that I was going to see Takamina’s serious performance but I’m a Paruru oshi.

My wife is anti-Sashihara so I couldn’t buy, “Ikujinashi Masquerade”. <-You’re supposed to buy it, listen to it at an internet cafe and then store it in your work locker. <- I actually have Sashiko’s photobook in my work locker lol

Don’t underestimate a woman’s intuition. She knows already.

My girlfriend wouldn’t let me go to hand shake events so I broke up with her.

I told my wife that I’m into AKB but she told me that she’d rather me be into AKB than some cabaret hostess.

You can get married whenever you want but you can only support AKB right now.

A Day In The Life Of An AKB Member With No Jobs

10:00 Wake up. Check the schedule but the schedule book is blank.

10:30 Drink beer.

10:45 Check a 2ch thread about you.

11:00 Update mobile and Google Plus with a recycled picture.

12:00 Watch “Iitomo”. Laugh at how awful Sashihara looks. E-mail other members with no jobs and joke around.

12:30 The buzz goes away. Get pissed at Sashihara.

14:00 Post on a certain message board, “If you don’t have members with no jobs, the theater is pointless. Anyone who gets a push will become popular, you newbs”.

16:00 Check Shinoda’s twitter and become irritated when they find out that she’s filming another CM.

18:00 Check your own support thread on 2ch and welcome people back when they post.

18:30 Post in a 2ch thread bashing other members for not being funny.

19:30 You find out that you will be appearing on AKBINGO for the first time in 6 months. You spend all night coming up with ideas to leave an impression.

20:00 Plans of being productive ruined because you got drunk and fell asleep.

22:00 Check your support thread on 2ch. You can remember the faces of every single person posting on the thread.

You’re not really tired but the beer hits the spot at the end of the night.

Reluctant Statements Made By 48 Group Fans

Idols are pure…

She smiled at me at the handshake event…

That wasn’t a group date… it was a drinking party…

The reason why my oshi is popular is because she does not flaunt her virginity…

I wonder if people will post on this thread…

Chris’ looks are the best around…

I’m gonna vote so many times for Request Hour…

They’ll still sell 400,000 copies without the hand shake tickets…

This sister group beats AKB performance-wise…

Myao is back to her original state…

Everyone goes on group dates lol…

I’m not worried about Kitahara. She knows it’s a job…

Yui’s from Kyoto…

Man, it must be tough to be in AKB with all those scandals…

Suzuran is gonna break out this year…

Yokoyama, Uchida and Nonaka are funnier than Oshima, Takahashi or Minegishi…

Chikano has a CM offer…

She’s nice to old men as well…

Kato Rena’s gonna be popular to non-wotas…

Idols are girls. I’m fine with them dating, I don’t really care…

I’m not a wota. I know more than some people and I’ve been to a couple of concerts and hand shake events and that’s it…

I want to be a fresh lemon…

I bet everyone freaking out over group dating scandal are virgins…

Hard work is always rewarded…

Sugamoto Yuko quit so she can become a cooking expert…

What Would AKB Members Be Doing If They Weren’t In AKB

I think at least 10 of them would be hostesses.

3 of them would be Morning Musume.

Oshima -> a broke theater actress

Takamina-> a construction worker

Shinoda+Kojima-> Hostesses

My wife…

Kashiwagi fails multiple Morning Musume auditions and decides not to attend college and works at a temp agency.

Rena, hikikomori

Kikuchi is married and has a kid.

Half of them would be in other idol groups or an unpopular celebrity.

A lot of what happens in the “Sakura no Ki ni Narou” PV happens.

I’m Pissed Off. We Should Go On A Group Date Too.

The problem is, where do we get the women?

How about my mom?

Should I cross dress?

Isn’t there an ikemen that can get us some women!?

I don’t know any fancy places so are family restaurants cool?

I’ve never met anyone who’s been on a group date.

We should go on group dates with actresses and make the AKB members jealous!

What You Don’t Want Members To Say To You At A Handshake Event

Where are you going after this?

Why are you here?<-My former and current oshi were paired in the same lane and asked me this :(

Please, I’ve had enough.

Your clothes look nice today.

You have nothing else to do?

Did you find a job?

You came all the way from Shizuoka?

I’m tired, go home.

What are you doing for Christmas?

Buy a ton of CDs for the election.

Huh? Your pants are wet.

Hey, did we meet somewhere before?

That’s a very retro jacket you’re wearing.

How many times did you vote for me?

Stop staring at my chest!

Wow, this is the 20th time! You must be rich!

You were in a different lane before, right?

You always wear the same clothing, huh?

I saw your dad a minute ago.

 

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4 comments

  1. “DDs are pretty much people who aren’t honest with themselves.”
    ——> @David Liao

  2. Santa squeezed his lemons all over my stocking…

  3. “Takamina-> a construction worker”

    i dunno why, but this really made my day.
    i’m so LMAO :))

  4. Had me laughing to hard with this! *There’s a Santa with their beard on fire* Thanks to one tiny santa!

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