2chan Says the Darndest Things Vol. 15

Volume 15 of 2chan Says the Darndest Things!

If AKB Members Were Flight Attendants

They give you a high five when you arrive at your destination

Tomochin does this

The overture plays before the flight departs

Hilary does the English announcing on the flight

The tickets are expensive because it comes with handshake tickets

Atsuko: We will be landing at Haneda Airport shortly.
Everyone else: Yay!

If you book a flight with the name of, “Kikuchi”, you do not get a seat

Hilary: Beef or chicken?

Nakagawa Haruka’s carryon bag is full of snacks

The flight attendants from the Osaka branch have tight, revealing outfits and the flights are really bumpy for some reason

An in-flight only CD can be bought on the plane

What If AKB Members Were In the Self-Defense Force

Harugon screams too loud and makes the drill sergeant suffer from depression

The members practice at the firing range with AK-47’s

Fresh Lemon is not issued a helmet

Sashihara does not sky dive

Abe pulls the pin out of the grenade but mistakenly throws the pin and not the grenade

Akicha masters close quarters combat on the first day

What Should Akimoto Yasushi Do Immediately?

Apologize to Jo

Take care of Jo

Comment about Jo

Just write lyrics

Take care of his body

New stages…

Find a center
Diet
Create a clone of himself

Since he can’t do it all himself, hire someone from the outside and get himself some help. If he doesn’t do this sooner, the talent he has will just rot.

Sashihara: producer
Lyricist: Kitahara
Composer: Matsui Sakiko

Let Jurina wear a bikini

Push SKE HARD

Buy Acchan two cars

What If AKB Members Were Hospital Staff

Yuria gives you the wrong medication

Kuramochi Asuka is a Otolaryngologist

Komori Mika is a Neurologist

Oya Masana is a Pediatrician

Yuko: Okay, please show me your butt.
Mayu: Oshiri ω
Yuko: Oshiri ω

Kinoshita Momoka is always a bloody nurse

Patient: Doctor, tell me the truth. Do I have cancer?
Doctor Sashihara: It’s true but not true and yet true.

Doctor Sashihara misdiagnoses a patient and is sent to Hakata.

Nakagawa Haruka is not allowed to give shots to patients even as a veteran

Takayanagi: Sir, let me perform enemas!

Doctor Kojima: Humans only have one heart?

Nurse Kojima: Oh nooooo, there’s air in the IV. I’ll show my panties!

Note What Your Family Members Say About AKB Members

Mom: (Looking at Sashihara) That girl has thick legs

Little sister: AKB again!? There’s no helping you!

Dad: I saw that this girl(Itano) is really scary behind the scene on a TV documentary.
Mom: Of course. This girl is the cutest girl in the group. She’s probably thinking, “why am I not number one?”
Me: (I’m an Itano oshi…)

Grandma: This Morning whatever has grown in numbers.

Mom: Isn’t this girl plastered on your wall?

Mom: (Looking at Paruru) Oh, that’s Yokoyama Yui.

Mom: (Watching Iriyama’s cup noodle CM)
Me: (Annin!)
Mom: I can’t believe you’re into AKB. Jeez. What’s her name?
Me: I don’t know(my oshi).
Mom: If you like girls like her, you’ll make me sad.
Me: …

Dad: What shows does Chikarina show up on?

Mom: The members aren’t great but Akimoto Yasushi is amazing.

Me: (Kojima Oshi)
Mom: Kojiharu talks like an idiot. Haaaaai, I’m Kojimahhhhh(impersonating Kojima)
Me: YOU DON’T SOUND LIKE HER STOP ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Mom: You like that girl on the right(points at Acchan), Ohashi, right?
Me: No, she’s on the left and her name is Oshima.
Mom: Oh, on the left, Ohashi, okay.

Older brother sees Jurina last year.
Brother: This girl is cute. Not bad at all. What’s her name?
Me: She’s in S… in a group from Nagoya. Matsui Jurina.
Brother: Hmm, how old is she?
Me: 14.
Brother: Huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?

Mom: What if Kashiwagi becomes number one?
Dad: I think I’ll cry. I’ll cry like a man.

I was an Acchan oshi in 2010.
Dad: That Maeda Acchan is cute, huh?
Me: Huh!? What? Oh that Ay Kay Bee thing?
I oshihened to Akicha in 2011.
Dad: This Takashiro girl is cute.
Me: Huh!? Oh… I don’t know…
I oshihened to Paruru in 2012.
Dad: I was supposed to go drinking tonight but I came home to watch “Majika”. That lead girl is cute.
Me: Huh!? Oh that girl who isn’t that great of an actress?
Dad: You’re watching, “Majika” too?
Me: …

Me: It pisses me off that Sashihara is ranked so high when she’s so ugly.
Mom: Popularity isn’t about looks.

I Don’t Want This AKB 1/153 Game

If you reject Shimazaki, she will randomly chase you with a knife

If you reject Churi, she will pester you by asking you why you rejected her

If you want to date Nakagawa Haruka, you have to live through the Japanese summer without air conditioning

Shimada’s voice is so loud in the game that your neighbors complain to you about it

Kashiwagi only sends you a text message once every 2-3 weeks

You work up the courage to ask Takamina out but she turns out to be a dude

The confession scene is a DLC for 480 yen

If you reject Wasamin, the PV for “Mujineki” plays

If you reject Jurina, Yasushi comes out to console her but looks happy because she is still single

It is easy to date Sashihara

Instead of Takajo Aki, Aki Takejo asks you out

If you reject Murashige Anna, Putin gets pissed

About NSK

New School Kaidan is a community-focused website for the Japanese idol industry international fan base. Between podcasts, broadcasts, events, and analytic articles, New School Kaidan aims to bring an understanding of idol culture to the masses.

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4 comments

  1. In Soviet Russia, Anya rejects you!

  2. “Me: It pisses me off that Sashihara is ranked so high when she’s so ugly.
    Mom: Popularity isn’t about looks.”

    People have no taste. >:(

  3. “Cry like man” – classic!

  4. I’d love it if AKB were flight attendants.

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